


Questions

by pretty0dd_semisweet



Category: Blink-182
Genre: Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-29
Updated: 2013-06-29
Packaged: 2017-12-16 14:09:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/862900
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pretty0dd_semisweet/pseuds/pretty0dd_semisweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And when he steps in, like the many times before I can’t wait for him to pull me into a hug, his hands roaming my body. I can’t wait for him to push me against the wall and do things that only feel good when it’s him. Things that only feel right when it’s him.<br/>And then, when we’re finished, he goes again. He always goes."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Questions

_Am I everything you want or everything your dread? Am I the beat of your heart or am I the venom that poisons you? Am I alone in this world or do we have each other?_

Sometimes I wonder if he needs me. Sometimes I wonder if he’s as scared of me as I am of him. Sometimes I wonder why I am scared.

I don’t fear him because he’s hurting me. Not in a physical way. Nothing that could happen to my body could reach the pain inside me. The pain that I feel when I think of him. The pain that I feel when I see him. The pain I can’t get rid of.  
And now he’s here again, waiting for me to let him in. Not just inside my house but my heart. Unlocking the lock with the key I’d wish I had swallowed a long time ago. But who am I to act like I don’t want him near? Who am I to act like I don’t care? Who am I?

When I unlock the door I can see him. His eyes, his blue eyes. His hair, his brown hair. His face, his beautiful face.  
Am I what you want or am I what you need? Am I what you expected or am I a disappointment? Am I dead or do I just feel that way?

And when he steps in, like the many times before I can’t wait for him to pull me into a hug, his hands roaming my body. I can’t wait for him to push me against the wall and do things that only feel good when it’s him. Things that only feel right when it’s him.  
And then, when we’re finished, he goes again. He always goes.

_Do you need me or do you use me?_

We weren’t like that before. It’s been a while now though. The coming and going of him, every week, every month, but he keeps coming back. He keeps coming back because I’m the only one who can give him what he wants, what he needs, what he deserves.

_Am I wrong or am I right when I think you love me? Am I stupid when I hope you need me? Am I broken or just lonely while I’m still here every time, waiting for you?_

Maybe next time I’ll ask him. Next time. Because I know there will be a next time.  
I planned the words, I put them together in all kind of orders, with different sounds, but in the end they all said the same thing.

So when he came back, when he stepped in, when I looked at him, I took his hand instead of his whole body and when I asked him he looked at me in a way he never had before.

“What are we, Mark?”

“Why do you ask, Tom? What’s wrong?”

What is wrong? Everything and nothing at the same time. We are wrong, we are married, but it feels so right. But still it leaves me dying a little more inside, the unknowingness slowly killing what hasn’t been killed yet, what wasn’t dead yet.  
I didn’t fear death anymore. I wasn’t alive, I was just breathing. Only with him I felt alive. I was dependent on him.

_Am I the air you breath to stay alive or the gas that makes you choke? Am I the arrow of Armor, making your heart beat for me, or am I the weapon that cuts you open? Am I everything you love or what you hate?_

“Do you seriously ask me what’s wrong?”

“Yes, I am.”

“I think this conversation isn’t going anywhere, I’m sorry I mentioned anything.”

It would continue that way. I needed him too much to let him go forever. We would fuck and he would go back home, his home, with his wife and his son. I would stay here. That’s how things were.

“Oh, come on, Tom.”

“Seriously, Mark. What do you think is happening here? Why are we doing this?”

“Don’t you like it?”

I didn’t like it. I loved it. The feeling of his body on mine, his body in mine. His hands on me, my hands on him.

“That’s not the point.”

“Then, tell me what the point is.”

“Do I mean anything to you?”

“Why do you ask, Tom? Of course you do.”

“Then why did you never tell me? Tell me how much I mean to you.”

I broke the rules. I broke the world. I broke us.

I should have stayed quiet, enjoying what we had. I was too selfish. I was too human.

“You mean the world to me.”

_Am I the world for you or just another broken promise? Am I a wish or just another regret of you? Am I what you want or what you need?_

“Then why did you never tell me?”

“Maybe because of the same reason like you never told me that it bothers you that I never told you.”

Fear. We were ruled by fear. Fear of being rejected, fear of failing, fear of loving.  
That’s what fear had made out of us, shallow bodies without enough soul to do what was right for each other.

“I thought you liked it that way, without conditions.”

“Without feelings. Say it, we both know that’s what you really meant. Without feelings.”

_Am I the person you think I am or am I just a shadow of my former self? Am I real or just an imagination? Am I who I think I am or am I what I wish I was?_

“Tom…”

“I’m not heartless. I am not numb. I am not cold. I am in love, and it’s destroying me from the inside out because I don’t feel loved back. I feel used. I feel used by you.”

“It was never my intention to make you feel this way, I promise-“

“Don’t promise me anything as long as you are not sure you won’t break it.”

“I would never lie to you.”

“Then, tell me what we are doing here, Mark? Tell me why we are doing this.”

“Because we are in love.”

“Yes, but who do we love? Who do you love? You are married.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t love you. That’s the thing about love. It’s endless and for everybody.”

“Show it then.”

When Mark leaned in to kiss me, I didn’t hesitate to hold his hands while our mouths collided, sharing yet unspoken words and so much more those words couldn’t even say.

With this kiss I felt it.

Maybe it wasn’t the answer to everything but at least it was an answer.  
I am what he wanted and needed. And I would give everything to him.


End file.
